wats wrong wit me?

somehow feel sme thng is really wrong wit me des days.... dono wat though...i always tot i was strong, never weak.... bt m nt getting such feelin nw... smethng is wrong smewhr....

m back

yaa... after so many days.... i kno... wat was i doin all des days?whr was i?not online?
why had i stopped blogging?

may be i can be prety modest and say tat i was busy, i had lot other work to do , din had time to sit down to recollect my tots...thnk of smethng vague and write abt it, feel gud abt riting...by geting acknowledgements from near and dear ones who always rise my spirit to a new high each time when they tel me tat they read the blog...honestly those few words bring a smile to my face and smetimes my eyes fill involuntarily wit watr...

i m one of those persons who belives i can always find time for the thngs whch i love to do....

for sme reason, i was nt feelin the drive to sit in frnt of the keyboarda n jott down my feeling... i tried today to self search and try to find a gud enuf reason myself... i sat for smetime, thnking.... i din find an answer at all even aftr much effort and calmness....

so... i decided y nt rite tdy, why nt rite nw! so here i m in frnt of my beloved comp typing out wats in me..

jus wanted to let u kno... tat i m back :)

do i care ?.... NO!

i feel the best way of handling a bondage is demonstrated by nature.... its the bond which is between a lotus leaf and the water droplet... how sparklin the droplet looks, it beautifies event the leaf which it is standing on ... may only for tat brief moment.... it looks fantastic for an outsiders eye and to be noted here is tat both the lotus leaf and the water droplet are happy!!

this gives us a message... " in a relationship , there shud be attachment but not bondage!!" this ofcourse u'll realise is d repetition of wat ever krishna has said .....

well well... why m i talking abt all dis here?? why m i talking abt it nw?
it left me also puzzled when i suddenly gt the idea of writing ths entry... for its been abt 3-4 months since my last contribution to "Buried Truths"....

lately few of my close frnds.. are distancing themselves from me... i m feeling...i don exactly kno the reason why... {if so} bt the mattr is clear ... times r nt the same.. i've changed a bit... which i guess has triggered a drastic change in them...

hmm.. change i think is inevitable, bt v shud consciously try to make sure tat it is a positive change which is being brought abt....!!

anyways , d point here is do i worry abt the apparent distancing of few of my closed ones frm me... ??

i ve nt been overly troubled by it and it has certainly not given me sleepless nights.... frm my side i ve always been normal and myself

so i don feel tat i shud really worry too much abt it.. and frankly i don care.....
when i say i don care, i mean it aint gona make any difference to me!

Regret?

when u think u've made the right decision and find out the next day that u'd not... it feels weird ...
honestly, every one tries consciously to do the right thing at any movement apart frm a few lame exceptions like eating mysore pak when u r a diabetic!


it baffles me , as to wat feeling one gets when he made a decision and it seemed as though it was right, in fact perfect! but after sometimes turns out to be one which puts a nail into his own coffin!

as a Chess Player, i've many a times undergone such a situation, where u feel u r doing the right thing and finally it turns out to be otherwise..... question is tat whether i shud repent on it as a false/incorrect move or not?

this question has always puzzled me for so many years... wheather i shud repent on something which i tot was right thing ato do?

at first, let i think back to the time i made a decision... things which were working in my head while taking the decision..

• wat are the alternatives i gt?
• is this the best move?
• wat are the consequences?
• wat do i gain if this works out?
• wat do i loose if it goofs up?

so, i'd have made a concious attempt and understood the situation, to best of my ABILITY to analyse the situation.

so, on that day, i was good enuf only to take that decision.
i was not aware of a higher truth. which came to my notice afer experience.

so, by this arguement i can draw these things

• i did a thing which i felt was right, so i should back myself.
• i've learnt now that ther is a better way to do , and have learnt from the experience
• from next time, i'd keep the past in mind to take better decisions
• i'll evolve and become a better person

so, i kind of conclude that i'd not like to keep regret on something which i'd done previously... wisely, bt not egoisticaly

i'd be contended and say, tat was who i was, good enuf to take only tat decision which was taken... now, i'm evolved!

It Hurt Me

Her Bday was abt 2-3 days away, i'd tot of a few options as to wat i'd make for her(usaualy i make custom made chalk model/art for my close ones... though rescently i've been made to skip a couple of friend's bday cos of my personal schedule i've made it a point tat though there is a delay, i'd gift a personal hand made artifact to express hw much he/she means to me...) and it was night abt 8 pm , and i was as ussual online , doing my stuff.. research and also chatting!

she was online and i started chatting wit her....i candidly persuaded her to answer my question.....
i asked her she remembers d thing i made for her d last year....

last year, nite b4 her bday, i was sitting with my gadgets besides me.... 2 sizes of safety pin, a blade acompanied by newspaper and a set of chalks to choose from.... i started late that night as i do most of times, may be at abt stroke of midnight.... wondering what i will do...

i try not to repeat my prev TYPE of art, trying to invent a new thing each time... hoping to bettr every time....

Why not make a Helix i tot! with chalk
my mother saw me with the lights on with my tools, she asked... "whoose bday is it tom,son?"

i told her, i was trying to make a helix , one half of DNA, like d fancy staircases, which goes swirling , coiling around itself, giving an illusionary effect!

she said, when u r done ... wake me up and show it to me! i always do.... :)

well, this helix was the first time i was attempting to do, tough confidence was less, determination was der... that i'd to express myself to her.. my friend .. for 'm not very good at words or typing personalised text messages... at tat time i din have a mobile either :P

making of helix involves carving a vertical hole inside a chalk and then carving out the non required parts whicle keeping the shape of the structure! in plane terms........ it not simple!

i eventually pulled it off barring off minor hiccups.... was satisfied wit my efort, the next day morn, paked it in a small box and gave it to her in d class in d break.... she seemed happy , that inturn made me feel good....

but this day, i gave her a hundred hints ... and sadly she din remember wat it was..... probably she had lost it somewhr down d line..................

once, while chatting with a wellwisher of mine, i'd shown some pics of d stuff i'd done...
and also told her that i din have any of it with me, i'd gifted all of them to my dear ones...


she said...
"I hope your friends appreciate the passion with which you have carved the chalk sculpture for them."


i'd said, I think They do ...


but the day i heard the reply from her.... i've had few doubts... since that day, 'm not finding the interest or the passion to sit in front of the chalk and do my stuff!

i was Hurt that day when i heard ," I dont Remember"

i plead, someone pls prove me wrong!

principles at wat cost?

dwindling friendships or blossoming relationships .... earned a banner as an egoistic dictator , people afraid to speak to me in front , but gossip at the back... they regard me as a non social being.. always thinking of something else , behaving not according to my age... or ppl admiring me for my composure or the facts that i stand for , visions i 've .. steps i've taken ... ppl acknolede me that 'm not the average 19 year old college going person, a bit more mature than that ... a lot more they say!

few of my friends slowly but surely cutting ties... only trying to find a good enuf reason to do so... few friends joining hand in hand for the purpose of my principles only to strengthen my resolve ...

few outsiders questioning the basic intent and prejudice of mine, while quite many reassuring and comforting me and helping though from a distance and showing the way ahead in the desert path..


at this early age itself, i feel i've seen so much ... yet there is a lot to be seen , to be understood...

while my principles are firm... i wish to say they arent regid, they are not subject to cease to evolve, they only ask for a betr principle to be replaced by.... till then, till the present principles are dirproved or improved , i sweare by HIS name ... i SHALL follow it!

let them lead me to ppl who hate me or ppl who are indifferent or may be who like the concept.... i pray to HIM to give me strength to treat all alike and keep my work my principles intact and ever evolve....

at any cost

first time when i was RAGGED !!

yeah! i finally came up with a firm decision which story of mine i shud narrate the first... prob d most embarrassing one! heck! who cares.... :P

as the title suggests, its abt my first ragging episode of my life....

it was not in any pu or in engineering college or in any of the ncc training camps i've been part of...
it was not in my high skool days either...

it was a warn afternoon.... and i was abt 4-5 years of age

it happend very close to my place, it was a general holiday(i don remember which hol... hw wud i :D ) and there was a gang of ppl in front of the printing press which my uncle owned( 3-4 blocks frm my home) .. i was aquainted with des ppl for quite some time till then, i was calling all of them as uncles and they used to interact wit me as well....

that day was a lil diff... i actually don remember perfectly but i was dared to smoke a CIGERATTE ... hehe! and u kno wat ... i eventually did smoke a puff.... it was nasty and i caughed and caughed ... aaarrgh it was a dreadful xperience....

well tat was d day i wudnt forget for ever cos of tat incident....